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Abuse Support Community
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A hard post to make and sooo very long..sorry
by Amphitrite, Nov 05, 2008 03:49AM
This is a very hard question for me to ask or to even talk about because I'm such a private person. But this has been bothering me for years and I just woke up again from a sound sleep, jumping out of bed and screaming for absolutly no reason. Not the first time, infact it's been going on since as far back as I can remember.
I'm in the metal health field but can't seem to get outside of myself on this one and see what everyone esle seems to see. I've been in therapy since my sister ended her life many years back. I recently took a few years break and returned about two months ago because of some health problems which ended up with my having to leave my job which I reallt loved and having alot of time on my hands I'm not used to having.
Okay, enough procratinating. For as far back as I can remember I've had a fear of going to sleep. Awful nightmares that leave me confused at LEAST twice a week even still nearing my 30's. I can't sleep in the dark because I feel it leaves me defensless against something happening(I have no idea what). It seems I can't get myself into a deep enough sleep, like I'm always prepared to jump and run..always. And after 24 years of this I'm exhausted.
My husband jokes that he won't get up to use the bathroon in the middle of the night because even a squeek in a floor board will jolt me awake and into a panic.
Now onto the really hard stuff to say...this is hard. I knew about sex very early on before I asked my mother about it. But when I finally asked her I covered my ears and couldn't stand to listen(normal for a kid right?, I thought so).
In my early years up until a jounior in HS I avoided boys but suddenly after my first boyfriend pressured me into sex, really pressured me, I became promiscuise after we broke up. I was promiscouse until I was about 22. I enjoyed sex. I got married at 26 and soon after started having health problems. The one that most concerns me is my abdominal pain. When it started I soon lost ALL sexual drive and had no interest in it at all. I became embarassed to watch any TV or even movies that had any sexual conintation in it with my husband.
Every time he rests against my abdomen even lightly, the pain shoots up. Every time he comes close to my vaginal area I feel so uncomfortable and the pain also starts.
Here's my problem. My first therapist continuely asked me if I had been abused. I always said "NO way". No matter what I said she would always imply that she thought so but was careful not to force the issue. A few friends have asked me, even a shoddy psychic I went to see as a gag with some girlfriends asked me.
Cut to two months ago when it had been years since thinking about what these people thought...the FIRST appointment I had with this therapist, the very FIRST and she asked me if I had been abused as a child. I asked her why she asked and she said because everything I was explaining was indicitive of a sexual abuse victim.
In all honesty, I have NEVER seen this in myself but everyone around me has so clearly. As if I have a sticker on my forehead that says so. I'm so embarassed and humiliated that this is so obvious. I keep saying I don't remember anything. i don't even remember further back past the age of 6 or so except for a few occurances. I wouldn't even know anyone who would do this to me. I love my family so much and couldn't imgaine that.
And that's what I've been saying for 10 years...if this has happened I don't want to know who. I want to keep loving everyone I love and not have any bad feeling twords anyone.
The therapist agrees that there is no point in trying to recall these kinds of past memories to remember who what or where.
The problem??? I can't have sex with my husband and he's so patient but I feel so horrible. These health problems, the therapist thinks they're real but that past trauma is exasterbating them.
She explained it like this...sexual abuse to a child is beyond painful..torcherous. The pain I'm feeling now has flickered at latent memories and physical sensations I don't remember or have blocked and thus in my mind without realizing it I'm cutting off the only thing I can...sex, to try and stop the physical pain. I'm suddenly embarassed by sex because I'm having past feeling I can't pinpoint arise that remind me of the shame and embarassment.
Makes sense.
How have I not seen this...how am I in the mental health field and not seen this. And what do I do? I'm almost 30 and feel like a scared little girl for reasons I can't understand. Also, I'm tired of jumping from my sleep ready to run. I was on ambient and klonopin about 5 years ago. Should I maybe go back on them?
I'm in the metal health field but can't seem to get outside of myself on this one and see what everyone esle seems to see. I've been in therapy since my sister ended her life many years back. I recently took a few years break and returned about two months ago because of some health problems which ended up with my having to leave my job which I reallt loved and having alot of time on my hands I'm not used to having.
Okay, enough procratinating. For as far back as I can remember I've had a fear of going to sleep. Awful nightmares that leave me confused at LEAST twice a week even still nearing my 30's. I can't sleep in the dark because I feel it leaves me defensless against something happening(I have no idea what). It seems I can't get myself into a deep enough sleep, like I'm always prepared to jump and run..always. And after 24 years of this I'm exhausted.
My husband jokes that he won't get up to use the bathroon in the middle of the night because even a squeek in a floor board will jolt me awake and into a panic.
Now onto the really hard stuff to say...this is hard. I knew about sex very early on before I asked my mother about it. But when I finally asked her I covered my ears and couldn't stand to listen(normal for a kid right?, I thought so).
In my early years up until a jounior in HS I avoided boys but suddenly after my first boyfriend pressured me into sex, really pressured me, I became promiscuise after we broke up. I was promiscouse until I was about 22. I enjoyed sex. I got married at 26 and soon after started having health problems. The one that most concerns me is my abdominal pain. When it started I soon lost ALL sexual drive and had no interest in it at all. I became embarassed to watch any TV or even movies that had any sexual conintation in it with my husband.
Every time he rests against my abdomen even lightly, the pain shoots up. Every time he comes close to my vaginal area I feel so uncomfortable and the pain also starts.
Here's my problem. My first therapist continuely asked me if I had been abused. I always said "NO way". No matter what I said she would always imply that she thought so but was careful not to force the issue. A few friends have asked me, even a shoddy psychic I went to see as a gag with some girlfriends asked me.
Cut to two months ago when it had been years since thinking about what these people thought...the FIRST appointment I had with this therapist, the very FIRST and she asked me if I had been abused as a child. I asked her why she asked and she said because everything I was explaining was indicitive of a sexual abuse victim.
In all honesty, I have NEVER seen this in myself but everyone around me has so clearly. As if I have a sticker on my forehead that says so. I'm so embarassed and humiliated that this is so obvious. I keep saying I don't remember anything. i don't even remember further back past the age of 6 or so except for a few occurances. I wouldn't even know anyone who would do this to me. I love my family so much and couldn't imgaine that.
And that's what I've been saying for 10 years...if this has happened I don't want to know who. I want to keep loving everyone I love and not have any bad feeling twords anyone.
The therapist agrees that there is no point in trying to recall these kinds of past memories to remember who what or where.
The problem??? I can't have sex with my husband and he's so patient but I feel so horrible. These health problems, the therapist thinks they're real but that past trauma is exasterbating them.
She explained it like this...sexual abuse to a child is beyond painful..torcherous. The pain I'm feeling now has flickered at latent memories and physical sensations I don't remember or have blocked and thus in my mind without realizing it I'm cutting off the only thing I can...sex, to try and stop the physical pain. I'm suddenly embarassed by sex because I'm having past feeling I can't pinpoint arise that remind me of the shame and embarassment.
Makes sense.
How have I not seen this...how am I in the mental health field and not seen this. And what do I do? I'm almost 30 and feel like a scared little girl for reasons I can't understand. Also, I'm tired of jumping from my sleep ready to run. I was on ambient and klonopin about 5 years ago. Should I maybe go back on them?
Good luck on the journey ahead.
You arent clear on whats causing the pelvic pain, theres a host of real aliments that can cause such pain and take away libido, so Id suggest a good old physical from the gyno to help with that, it may be that your sleep /memory problems are not related to pelvic pain, or maybe they are and for what ever reason your sub consious is ready to deal with things.
Is there anyone from your childhood that you remember being frightend of?Did your sisters death have anything to do with her being abused? Have you had a recent major life change that may be triggering these memories?
Good luck to you and you where brave and strong to make this post, you will find a lot of kind and decent people on here. and a lot of wisdom.
I don't remember anything further back past the age of 6 or 7. Only one or two things. One thing was experimenting woth my cousin and the other was visiting my Great Grandmother in a nursing home. Other than that I don't remember even existing!
The pain is IBS and they now think urinary and because it's directly over my bladder in my abdomen. They also think I have something that causes spasms in my genitals.
It's not that I've just lost my sex drive, there's nothing there at all. I can't even watch anything with more than heavy kissing on TV or in the movies infront of my husband or I feel embarassed and humiliated. I quickly turn it off or change the channel and feel even more embarassed for turning it off because I have tothink of excuses why.
I can't sleep in bed with my husband because if he accidently brushes against me I go screaming out of bed. I can't sleep in the dark because I feel unsafe and I have nightmares almost every night of some kind.
When I looked back at my dream journal most of them involved sexual incidents of some kind(torcher, rape, humiliation)
I wake up screaming sometimes and even the slightest sound will send me running like I keep myself on guard even in sleep.
The sexual innability and embarassment started about a months after my pain started but all the rest I've suffered from for decades. I just thought I had a sleep disorder and anxiety but I hear now that it's more likely PTSD.
I'm so afraid of the whole memories coming out. I don't want to know who or when. I'm afraid it was someone I really love and respect. I couldn't cope with that I think I'd kill myself.
My sister told me she was abused when she was younger. But I asumed it was when she was in foster care. That was soon before she ended her life.
My latest dream involved some devil/demon who wanted me by his side. I was his favorite of all the other girls there and I hated it. They all knew I was his favorite and resented me for it. We went to a party at the house I grew up in. I wanted to get away but I couldn't. I didn't even try. I went into the bottom floor bedroom because I knew if I did I could leave afterward. I layed down face first on the bed, it was dark. I thought I was alone but the devil was behind me and told me to lift up my skirt. I didn't listen. He said it again but not in an angry voice like I assumed he would. It was almost in a reminder kind of way, I didn't do it, so he did and then..you get the picture.
I woke up feeling like I was really just in h e l l with the devil. I can never see a face it's always covered or just like it was never there when I remember back.
My nightmares are so vivid I can remember everything and feel like I was just there and it just really happened.
It's been 24 years with these dreams(my parents tell me stroies of my younger years and my sleeping problems) I don't think I've slept more than 5 hours at a time in that time(5 hours in being liberal)
I'm just afarid if I talk about with my therapist more and more of the memories will come back. It's like theres a crack in my block and I can't close it back up. But I guess theres always been a crack enough to cause these nightterrors. It's just getting bigger and I want to stop it.
Anyway, thanks for answrering me back. When I thought no one had I felt awful and really bad about myself. Now I feel a little better.
Amph
These are what all my dreams are like and I never miss a week.